Madeline Ott
Professor Elam
English 101
October 10, 2013
Rebirth
I’m tired. Tired
of being someone I’m not. Why do I dress like this? Why do I pretend like I
enjoy this music? Why do I act this way when I know this isn’t who I am? As I
was staring at my feet hanging off my bed I couldn’t help but let these
questions into my head. With tears
filling my eyes it was then, sitting on my bed in my room, that I realized I
had been lying to myself about who I was for the last two years.
“Maddie?
Madeline Ott? Are you even listening? Do you even care? Look at me when I am
talking to you!” As my mom was yelling this in my face I couldn’t help but
laugh in my head. She was stupid, stupid for trying to change someone who was
never going to change. Even though I’m
only 16 I know exactly what I want in life. Juron, a small white house with a
picket fence, a garden, and bong rips.
She’s foolish for not realizing that I am stoned right now. All I want
in life is to be as far away from my parents as I can. Far away from Virginia
Beach to a place where the sun is always shining, the water is crystal clear
blue, and I’m always high.
I
couldn’t believe what I just had read in my journal. I wanted to laugh in my
moms face? I called her stupid? Why had it come to this, why had I had to get
this drunk? As I tried to stand up a
sharp pain in my head had me lying back in bed. Lying there I tried to remember
what had happened the night before. What even happened yesterday? Then it hit me;
yesterday my parents found my bong. It was a Friday night and they grounded me,
but I somehow persuaded them to let me go to a basket ball game with my
brother. Then bits and pieces came back to me…
“Maddie!
We got a bottle! Did you convince your mom to let you out?” I was so excited to hear Rena’s voice. “Oh
hell yeah! And yeah she did! I’ll come get you in 10 minutes” As I got off the
phone with Rena I looked at Juron and he had that devilish smile on his face
like he knew exactly what I was thinking, we are going to get FUCKED UP
tonight! I grabbed my jacket and keys, grabbed my brother and told him he can
drive, and with that Juron and I walked out the door with a joint being lit, it
was about to be a good night.
How
could I have let myself do that? How could I let myself abuse my parents’ trust
that much? They could have taken away all my freedoms, all my privileges after
find my bong but instead they had enough trust and hope in me to go out with my
brother and make good decisions. Did I even go to the basketball game with my
brother? Was there even a basket ball game? Where was my phone? Lifting up
blankets and pounding through pillows I found out that I had slept in my own
puke all night. Ah hah my phone! I had 12 new messages. I opened the first one
from Rena “Are you alright? Last night was epic! But then you died somewhere
around 2 and then things went bad! Call me when you get up! I left aspirin and
water on your dresser, love you!” As I stared at my phone I couldn’t help
thinking what the fuck had I done? Then the night started falling in place.
“I’m
here bitch! Yeah we got weed. Hahaha. Hurry up!” as I got off the phone Juron
was telling nick how he just got a possession charge and has to serve 6 months
in jail in March. I couldn’t help but to
remember the other two times he had been in jail. I had been sitting with my
mom in cheesecake factory one day when he called me from jail telling me had
been pulled over for a DUI and had to serve a week. That was a hard one to
explain to my mother. Everyone always encourages me to leave him but I can’t.
I’ve fallen in love with him. He gives me that warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach
that every girl my age dreams of feeling.
I know Juron can do better, he promised me this is the last time he is
going to jail. . I believed him too. I knew this time was different.
“Finally!
Where’s the bottle?” I asked frantically as Rena got into the car. “Damn girl!
Slow your roll, long day?” Rena asked jokingly.
She knew exactly what had happened today, about my parents and my bong. She
pulled out a bottle of Aristocrat vodka. My stomach turned and my body got the
chills. Fuck, I hadn’t eaten all day.
How could I have eaten anyways? I was upset with my parents and my vivance
never makes me hungry. “Give me that
hahaha” I grabbed the bottle from Rena and started chugging. “That’s my girl!” Juron said as he
grabbed my chin and kissed me. “So were going to a basket ball game?” Nick
asked “Nope we are going to the beach!” I said with a shriek. “Haha that’s more like it” Nick said. Now how
do I always manage to get exactly what I want? I laughed about the thoughts
running through my head and just kept drinking til I couldn’t stop smiling.
“Ughhh”
I couldn’t help but groan out loud. I then realized how much shit I have gotten
myself into. You just don’t know when
enough is enough do you Maddie? I felt like throwing books, punching walls,
pulling my hair out! I sat up in my bed and grabbed the sheets on the side of
me and gazed down at my legs. It felt
like I was stuck in time, stuck forever with my parents mad at me, stuck with
me mad at myself. How was I going to get out of this? What happened to the girl
that was confident, the girl that didn’t need drugs didn’t need to always be
fucked up to get through the day? The life I live isn’t a bad one at all. I fell back on my bed. Hitting my head on the
pillow I felt another sharp pain on the front of my head. Bringing my hand up
to my forehead I felt two big bumps and a large scratch. Seriously? How did this happen? I reached for
my phone and called my brother hoping he could tell me what I had done.
“Hell-o..”,
Nick must haven been sleeping, his raspy voice gave me the idea that the night
hadn’t been gentle to him either. “Nick, why do I have a big ass bump on my
head?” he sighed I could tell that something had gone wrong last night. “Your
drunk ass fell out of my truck Maddie. Do you not remember?” Before I even had
the chance to answer he continued talking. “Of course you don’t, you were piss
drunk. Damnnit Maddie,” he said, I could tell Nick was upset with me. “Why do
you always have to push away? Why do you have to do stupid shit when you know
your going to get in trouble? Why can’t you stop and think about all the people
that love you and how you are hurting them?” I couldn’t believe he was saying
this to me. Of course I have heard this
whole talk a thousand times before but this was coming from my brother. My
brother is everything; we always have each other’s backs. If I had hurt him
then I knew I have hurt my whole family. “I’m sorry Nick, I’m going to fix
this. I’m going to fix me.” I ended the call and stared down at my phone. I
found myself tuning out the world and numbing my body. If only I could feel
this way all the time. With tears filling my eyes I flipped through my journal
and found the entry when I first realized how I am falling apart.
I’m
like a broken mirror, I can still see my self in the mirror, but I’m broken
into a thousand pieces. A thousand pieces of me are scattered, the good ones
mixed with the bad ones. All the pieces
are there but I still feel like something is missing. The drugs don’t do much,
yeah I forget for a little but once the high comes down I am right back where I
started. Lost, confused, screaming inside for help, for someone to notice I
need help. But my confidence gets in the way every time. I’m scared to show
weakness. Scared to let people see me fall. So I continue to mask myself with a
pretty face and a fuck it attitude.
What
I had just read I had written 3 months ago. How bad have I gotten since then?
Staring at these words I remembered a conversation I had with mom. “Madeline, I
just don’t know what has happened to you.
You use to have this light in your eye and now your gone. I don’t know
where you are.” I remember thinking she was right, but me not wanting to seem
unstable told her she was wrong and I was still the happy girl that I had
always been. I’ve been lying to myself for 6 months. Lying to myself about my
life. I’ve lied so much that I believed it was the truth.
Staring
at the ceiling, laying in my bed, not minding that I was sprawled out in my
throw up I thought about my life. My options. Is there a way to make this
work? I have dug myself a whole, a deep
whole. The only way I am going to get out of here is with some help. Someone is
going to have to help me build a ladder. Or could I find a way to end this. I
hate this thought, the idea that I could just take a hand full of vivance and
be gone just like that. Is life even
worth it? My parents don’t trust me, my boyfriend doesn’t do me any good, and
I’m failing in school. What do I have to hold on to? What good am I to this
world?
Suddenly
I got angry; Angry at myself for letting the idea of suicide cross my
mind. Angry for not realizing how short
I had been cutting myself from succeeding in life. How could I have been so stupid? Getting caught
up in a mess of drugs, bad people, and loss of hope. Was it to late? Could I
change who I am. Can I be saved from my own demons? Looking down at my journal
on my lap I felt myself grin as if I remembered a funny memory. Why was I
grinning? Had I expressed every other emotion so much that the only one left to
show was happiness? I then without thought opened to the page in my journal
that inspired me to get up, forgive myself, and start fresh. As I looked down
at my journal with light in my eyes I read the quote from Dalai Lama “With
realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one
can build a better world.” Looking up I realized how much brighter my room
seemed. Suddenly I felt the need to change. I knew it was time for me to end
this life of lies and begin doing the things I love and enjoy. This road will
be the one less traveled on but once I get to the end it will make all the
difference. With Ernest Hemingway and the Dalai Lama inspiring me to challenge
myself I realized it was time for me to get out of bed.
The
clapping of hands had broken the trans that I was put in. I had forgotten that I was telling my story
to a group of adolescent teens and their parents at my church. It’s been a year and half since all the
trouble I had gotten in and it still gave me an uneasy feeling in my stomach to
talk about it. I looked up at my mom
standing in the corner of the dim lit room. Recently I have been noticing the
light in her heart that she projects to anything around her. I can’t believe I
fought this women for so long, I know I should be happy that I woke up and
realized that our relationship can be mended but I feel as if I’ll never be
able to forgive myself for even half of the things I had said or done to her.
She pointed at her mouth and smiled indicating that I needed to be doing
that. I smiled and asked if anyone had
any questions. A girl probably around 15 or 16 raised her hand. I replied with
a yes, she then asked “How long did it take for you to repair your
relationships with the people you love? How long did it take you to get to the
point you are today? How come you didn’t give up?” I looked at her curiously. I
hadn’t ever asked myself these questions. But the thoughts of giving up and just
continuing the old bad habits had crossed my mind. Rebuilding my relationship with my parents
and earning there trust was the hardest thing I had done. It took patience and understanding for I had
broken trust with them so many times that it seemed hard to believe they even
took my word that I was trying to change.
“Wow,
I had never even thought about how far I have come sense then and how many
obstacles I faced.” I said to the girl with a slight smile. “The morning I got out of my bed, and decided
to face myself was probably the hardest day of my life. I just remember
thinking why would my parents believe their hung-over daughter who had been
lying to them for half a year that she really was going to change… Trust me it took some time for them to even
see that I was really trying to change. But the whole time I kept telling
myself you can do this, you can be true to yourself. I began to do more things I loved. Playing
the guitar, spending time with my sister and brother, helping the less
fortunate and slowly my parents and I began to see the change in myself. We
never talked about it but we all knew it was happening. There were times where
I wanted to scream and say screw this because this process was a hard one, but
I kept going. It took double the time to
fix the relationships that I had broken in half the time. Every step of it was worth it though. I don’t
regret much in my life, because the mistakes I made helped me become the person
I am today. But the best advice I can give to you young adults right now is
make mistakes, but don’t make the same mistakes twice. Also, love yourself and
love everything around you. As cliché as
that sounds if you do show love, your whole mind set of life will change and
you will notice the light in your heart, in everyone’s heart.” The young girl
smiled at me. I thanked everyone for listening to my story and with one last
applause I left the room.
Walking
out of the doors of the church I felt cleansed. I couldn’t help but reflect on
that girls question. Why hadn’t I given up? Then I looked around outside and
realized why would I ever want to give up? Life is beautiful, everything that
happened to me a year and a half ago happened to me for a reason. My
relationships with my family members and friends have flourished in such
positive ways and without the trouble I had gotten in is what has brought me
this far. That part of my life is done,
and I believe I have grown to become a better person. Breathing in the sweet
summer air I walked to my car with a smile not looking back at the past nor
ahead at the future but now, here this moment, and how happy I am. Namaste.
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